When People Shrink Around You (And What It Really Means)
I promised a friend I’d write about intimidated people: the ones who shrink or bristle when you walk into a room; so here goes.
For the last few months, I’ve had to deal with a few of them. I’m not new to it, but these cases were different. Overly intimidated, almost allergic to my presence. And strangely, it was just me — not anyone else in the group. At first I thought, “Weird.” But then again, maybe not so weird at all.
Freud (and others after him) talked about “ego defences.” Basically: when your ego feels shaky — threatened, cornered, overwhelmed — it panics. Anxiety swells up, and to survive, the mind starts throwing up unconscious walls. Defence mechanisms. Most people don’t even notice they’re doing it. You just see the reaction: coldness, accusations, weird hostility.
Here’s a simple truth: successful, hard-working people intimidate. Full stop. Mystery does too. The less you share, the more people invent about you. They fill in blanks with their own fears. Everyone’s a little afraid of the unknown, even if they act like they’re not.
And just to be clear: I’m not talking about abusive, deliberately intimidating people. That’s manipulation, a whole other can of worms I’ll save for another post.
Projection is the big one. It’s when someone hurls their own thoughts or motives onto you. If they’re capable of lying, cheating, stealing… they’ll accuse you of lying, cheating, stealing. And without a shred of proof. That accusation is basically a confession.
It’s the friend who suddenly insists you’re dishonest when you’ve done nothing, or the person who creates drama from thin air and pins it on you. A real friend would ask first. They’d clarify. They’d apologise if wrong. But when they don’t? That’s not about you. That’s about them. Integrity and honesty — sometimes I wonder where those even went.
Then there’s displacement, which is projection’s cousin. You’re furious at Person X, but X feels too powerful to challenge. So you lash out at someone safer... or something. Smash a vase, kick the dog (don’t!), accuse a friend of some ridiculous thing. I’ve seen it happen more than once.
From experience (painful experience), I’ve found they’re often highly judgmental, nit-picky, overly critical: picking apart your words, your behaviour, justifying themselves as they go. And while they may look social (always in groups, lots of friends, endless coffee dates) that doesn’t mean they have social intelligence.
Because social intelligence isn’t just being social. It’s reading a room, respecting yourself, showing empathy, authenticity, confidence. Without it, relationships become power plays.
Can you fix it for them? No. Not unless they choose to face their self-esteem issues. You can try explaining how you feel, but in my experience… it backfires. A fragile ego hears attack, no matter how gently you phrase it.
What do I do? I avoid them. I don’t like wasting energy untangling someone else’s insecurities. I’d rather invest in people who can stand tall without shrinking others.
And if you’re the one who’s intimidated…
Then it’s time for an uncomfortable question: why? Why them? Why now? What about their presence unsettles you?
Maybe they shine a light on something you don’t want to confront/accept. Maybe they reflect the parts of yourself you’ve neglected.... Only you can know. Only you can dig into it.When People Shrink Around You (And What It Really Means)
For the last few months, I’ve had to deal with a few of them. I’m not new to it, but these cases were different. Overly intimidated, almost allergic to my presence. And strangely, it was just me — not anyone else in the group. At first I thought, “Weird.” But then again, maybe not so weird at all.
What Freud already knew
Freud (and others after him) talked about “ego defences.” Basically: when your ego feels shaky — threatened, cornered, overwhelmed — it panics. Anxiety swells up, and to survive, the mind starts throwing up unconscious walls. Defence mechanisms. Most people don’t even notice they’re doing it. You just see the reaction: coldness, accusations, weird hostility.
Why successful people intimidate
Here’s a simple truth: successful, hard-working people intimidate. Full stop. Mystery does too. The less you share, the more people invent about you. They fill in blanks with their own fears. Everyone’s a little afraid of the unknown, even if they act like they’re not.
And just to be clear: I’m not talking about abusive, deliberately intimidating people. That’s manipulation, a whole other can of worms I’ll save for another post.
Projection and displacement
Projection is the big one. It’s when someone hurls their own thoughts or motives onto you. If they’re capable of lying, cheating, stealing… they’ll accuse you of lying, cheating, stealing. And without a shred of proof. That accusation is basically a confession.
It’s the friend who suddenly insists you’re dishonest when you’ve done nothing, or the person who creates drama from thin air and pins it on you. A real friend would ask first. They’d clarify. They’d apologise if wrong. But when they don’t? That’s not about you. That’s about them. Integrity and honesty — sometimes I wonder where those even went.
Then there’s displacement, which is projection’s cousin. You’re furious at Person X, but X feels too powerful to challenge. So you lash out at someone safer... or something. Smash a vase, kick the dog (don’t!), accuse a friend of some ridiculous thing. I’ve seen it happen more than once.
What it reveals
People who intimidate easily are usually lacking in confidence, plain and simple. They need to feel needed; without that, they spiral. Their self-worth depends on being indispensable. And if they can’t cling to that role? The claws come out.From experience (painful experience), I’ve found they’re often highly judgmental, nit-picky, overly critical: picking apart your words, your behaviour, justifying themselves as they go. And while they may look social (always in groups, lots of friends, endless coffee dates) that doesn’t mean they have social intelligence.
Because social intelligence isn’t just being social. It’s reading a room, respecting yourself, showing empathy, authenticity, confidence. Without it, relationships become power plays.
So what do you do?
If someone is intimidated by your mystery, maybe soften the edges a bit. Share more. But honestly? In most cases, intimidated people work better with each other; their energies match, their insecurities resonate.Can you fix it for them? No. Not unless they choose to face their self-esteem issues. You can try explaining how you feel, but in my experience… it backfires. A fragile ego hears attack, no matter how gently you phrase it.
What do I do? I avoid them. I don’t like wasting energy untangling someone else’s insecurities. I’d rather invest in people who can stand tall without shrinking others.
And if you’re the one who’s intimidated…
Then it’s time for an uncomfortable question: why? Why them? Why now? What about their presence unsettles you?
Maybe they shine a light on something you don’t want to confront/accept. Maybe they reflect the parts of yourself you’ve neglected.... Only you can know. Only you can dig into it.